I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
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Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
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Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.