Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

it must be school picture day

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*

Her: When did you get a belly ring?

Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable