Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.

She’ll find love in another man.

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.