Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!

me: well, where did you have it last?

4: outside

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]

Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.