I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
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GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Hang in there buddy
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?