I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
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one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
North and South
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
*updates tinder bio*
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
i just started buying stock from the market…i have chicken, beef, and vegetable…i hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 😂😂 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 😝
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”