I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
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Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Covert ops
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit