I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
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welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”