Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: whoa you think I’m buff?

them: no, we said buffoon

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?

me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.

9yo: oh… so I should lie?

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation

Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?

Her: I’d love that!

Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe