I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
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Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
These aliens are taking forever.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit