I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
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Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Haha good job!!
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
Terribly Tuesday.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.