I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
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I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?