I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

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I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.


[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?


If you’re American & I ever hear you use the word “whilst,” this I swear: you will not live to see the 3rd season of Sherlock.


BBC: ‘Much of Scotland’s coastline still being battered.’ They will literally deep fry anything.


Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day


We’ve burned through Netflix so tonight we’re opening a bottle wine and watching a fork in the microwave.


I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.


Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]


You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth


[first day in the mafia]
ME: *bursts in out of breath* STOP!
BOSS: what
ME: i just found out that this is *whispers* illegal