“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
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Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
They grow up so quick
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?