“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
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Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
how was your vacation
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT