“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
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Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet