Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
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Everybody is complaining about their significant other, and I’m over here trying to keep mine charged above 10%.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.