Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

hmmm

TODAY

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

just having fun

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield

6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.