I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
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Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
fr
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out