I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
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me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI