Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

ㅤ

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.

Me: I can’t wait!

RM: You’re fired.

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!