Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

Otters drive ottermobiles.

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.

You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

They’re on their honeymoon

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?