Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.

JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

Unimpressed

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today

Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.