Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.

nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

6yo: You’re grounded.

Me: Okay.

6yo: FOREVER!

Me: Thank you.

[breathing]

“I could do this all day.”

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!

MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”