Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order

it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅