Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew

The Chosen Phew

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut