I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
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Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people