Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.

the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.