I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
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see you in hell you stupid fruit
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I needed a laugh this morning.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.