I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
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Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
crying
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
reviewed some movies recently
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.