I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
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Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born