Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

Fabio hasn’t aged a day

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.

Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.

Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.

Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?