I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
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when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.