I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
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You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
We don’t deserve birds.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON