I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
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My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”