I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
You Might Also Like
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
For those that worship cheese..
Ugh but profoundly
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary