I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
