I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
