I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…
I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
