Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.

LinkedIn is a terrible dating site

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection

Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?

16: I’m sorry I tell you anything

Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.