I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
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Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
i now pronounce you bounced.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
serving silly goose instead of turkey
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?