Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”

Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

Why did the chicken go to the gym?

To work on his pecks.

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.