Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

9 circles of hell in this economy?

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less