Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER