I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
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Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.