Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.