I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
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The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Good boy 😂😂
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.