I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
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*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Who called it baking and not making love
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*