Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

me: i made my first million by the age of 21

her: wow, a million dollars?!

me: no, mistakes

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]