Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever

LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?

WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes

LAWYER:

WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy

LAWYER: …I have concerns

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

*3.5 thank you very much.

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

Twitter

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.