I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
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Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.