I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
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Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
“That’s what” – She
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.