Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.