I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
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All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]