Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

“Is that a banana in your pocket?”

-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that

My kitchen overserved me.

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.