Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]

Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.

[many decades later]

Me: Oh no.

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.