I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
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Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*