I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
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Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know