I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
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If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.