I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
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Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
💀
