Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….

FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

Made something I’m not proud of

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.

It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.