I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
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Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
*limbos away from your hug*
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?