Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself

flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

I’m going to need a moment here.

[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.

13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.