I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
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Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Important
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
New tinder profile pic
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
