I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
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Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Now this is how you LinkedIn
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.