I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
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My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.