I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
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therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.