Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout

Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in

Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

Study: People with children live longer.

People with children: Shit.

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.