I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
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it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced