I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
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At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.