I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
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For anyone who needs this today
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.