Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.

Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.

Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU