I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.