I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
