I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
