Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.

me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

inside you are two wolves

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.