I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
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I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
When the stylist spins you back around
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
Beauty and the Beast
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
what’s really going on
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
