I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
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IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I hydrated. Surrender now.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.